Florida Man Kills Bobcat With Bare Hands

Posted in Man Wins with tags , , on November 4, 2009 by thebeastkiller

cat strangle

Beast Killer: Dale Rippy

Beast Killed: Crazed Bobcat

Weapon of Choice: Bare Hands

Let’s get this straight: bobcats are not cute and cuddly. This is not your lovey-dovey feline who just wants to sleep all day and eat lasagna. If a bobcat had a chance to sucker-punch you, it’d take it because bobcats are crazy. This is especially true when the crazy they have is full-blown rabies. But this is one bobcat who sucker-punched the wrong human. His name: Dale Rippy aka The Ripper.

First Coast News reports that the 62-year-old Vietnam veteran came face to fang with the rabid wildcat on his back porch when the cat began to slash and bite him. Maybe it was the arousing taste of blood in Dale Rippy’s lips for the first time in forty years or maybe just the rabies coursing through his veins, but Rippy went balls-out nuts. Knowing that to best a crazy cat you must think like one, Rippy pounced on his enemy, grabbing the cat’s throat and strangling it to death. Rippy was treated for his wounds and rabies while commended by animal control saying that “if he’d let the cat go, there could have been more victims.”

FmF salutes you, Dale Rippy. Your crazed rabid instinct and unwavering death grip has tipped the scale that much closer to victory. You’ve saved our women and children from the biological warfare the animals have shamefully reduced themselves to and taken one for the team. Now go back home and pet your sweet little pet tabby, Whiskers. She’d never hurt you and if she does, you know what to do.

Ex-Marine Kills 300-Pound Bear With Log

Posted in Man Wins with tags , , on November 4, 2009 by thebeastkiller


Beast Killer: Chris Everhart

Beast Killed: Bear

Weapon of Choice: Log

Good Morning America reports on ex-marine Chris Everhart, father of three beautiful sons, who saved his family from the wrath of an attacking 300-pound bear.

“From out of nowhere we heard this loud crash,” Everhart said on “Good Morning America.” “For a second, I didn’t know what it was, but I realized it was a bear. I went to the back of the Jeep to get my pots and pans to scare the bear off.”

In an attempt to distract the bear, young sons Logan and Kyle pummeled the carnivorous mammal with rocks. However, their tiny meat paws and softball hurls only angered the bear even more as it attacked the boys. Hastened with time and quick on the draw, Chris grabbed the closest thing to him, a log, and threw it at the bear’s head, striking and killing him.

We here at FmF salute you, Chris Everhart: Lt. Badass of the Kill Brigade. You have chalked up a win for humanity and continued our elite legacy over the beast. May the Gods smile upon you, and make sure to lathe that log into a baseball bat. It still has more good to offer this world.

Let the Fight Begin

Posted in Man Wins on November 4, 2009 by thebeastkiller

Something is going on. Something not right. The animals are mad, nay, straight up pissed at us and they’re killing people left and right. Perhaps it’s because they’ve witnessed our destruction to this planet. Seen us consume their food, pollute their homes and kill their friends to the point of extinction. They’ve seen it all and as guardians to this Mother Earth they’re waging a war.

Well, fuck that.

As dominant species to this great planet of ours, we humans aren’t going down without a fight. Humanity did not spend all this time conquering Earth just to bow down to a bunch of dim-witted, inferior-minded animals. We earned the right to reign supreme and aim to keep it.

But we can’t just go out there and nuke the whales. Nuking whales is the cheap way out. No, we have to prove to these animals that we don’t need bombs and bullets to kick their asses. Just our two bare hands and maybe a melee weapon to level the playing field is all we need to lay down a serious ass-whooping. The point is that gunning a bear down with a 44 Carbine semi-automatic isn’t going to prove a goddamn thing. But bludgeoning it to death with a log? That’ll make them listen.

Fauna Meets Fist is dedicated to fighting the good fight. Our front page is the people’s voice, dedicated to publishing stories of victory and valor. Each post will showcase individuals who took on the savage beast with what little they had and lived to tell the tale. We will also remember our fallen brethren with their stories of martyrdom. We showcase these stories to help fuel the fire as we march forward to victory. We cannot lose this war. We will not give back the keys to the animal kingdom. We are the human race, and we’re here to stay even if that means killing every last one of them.

Join us in battle and let the fight begin.